To Feel, Is To Live
by fahzzyquill
Summary: Harry learns many things. Acceptance is one of the hardest. Letting go is no easier. And forgiveness is something that's almost as hard as defeating Voldemort. But with a little faith in himself, he learns how.


Disclaimer: The story's mine. The characters aren't.

To Feel, Is To Live 

He couldn't help the feelings that washed over him. The air was oppressive. He looked out his window. Children playing in the yard. How nice, how peaceful. They were ignorant to the war that raged around them. Perhaps that was the beauty of childhood. Nothing was irrevocably wrong. Everything could be fixed.

Forever. He wondered if he'd ever believed in it. Oh he was sure that once he had. Back when he believed that his parents would come back. But they hadn't and they never would. Death was gone forever. And forever never seemed to end.

Pain didn't end. Guilt didn't go away. And nothing could bring back the dead. Not even those who loved them. He wondered if he could love people he'd never known. Wondered if he just idolized them. But living people had flaws. They made mistakes.

And questions. Oh how he wished someone would answer his questions. No one ever did. Not one question he had ever asked came with a complete truth. His Aunt and Uncle had lied to him, Dumbledore had lied to him, and Hermione and Ron had evaded his questions. The only people who told him the truth were people that he hated. That sure said a lot about the world.

Oh muggles. There was part of him that wished to be one. To be oblivious to the world's problems. But nobody loved him, not in this world or his own. He was a freak. Abnormal by even magic's standards. But he was an exception. And there for everyone held him to different standards. When they loved him they forgave his mistakes. And when they hated him they would throw him in jail the first chance they got.

Everyone and everything had more control than he did. No one trusted him to be in charge. No one entrusted the world to him. Yet he was the one who would make it or break it. His destiny was intertwined with every living things' soul. He wondered if everything had a soul.

They must. Any thing that has a conscience has one. Don't they? Can someone truly have no morals? Even Tom Riddle must have had morals once. But nobody loved him. Or perhaps they tried to love him too much. They tried to catch a flame that couldn't be held. Tried to stop a fire that was determined to burn.

They weren't that different Tom Riddle and he. But their choices. Yes their choices defined them. He seeks revenge and I seek justice. He wishes to get rid of those who oppose him, and all I want is to be left alone. Live and let live. I really don't want to kill anyone. Not Bellatrix, and not Tom Riddle.

If I can watch my Godfather be murdered before my eyes and not be able to summon enough hate to produce even a measly cruciatus curse. I truly must have no hate in me. How will I defeat him? He has robbed me of everything yet I cannot take the thing he treasures most from him. His own life.

I do not want to become him. But how to vanquish him without killing just like him? Not even Dumbledore knew the answer to that. I am weak. Just like everyone always says. I have no control. No plan. I look no farther than what I will do next.

I must have a plan. I cannot lose my best friends. If they die, then so dies my hope. It is me in the end. Just me, all alone. One final confrontation. For good or bad not even Tom Riddle can know. Dumbledore wasn't sure.

He left me. For a reason that will eventually become apparent. If I couldn't live without him then he would not be dead. And Snape. How does he fit into this picture? Dumbledore was pleading, but for what. Dumbledore would not so foolishly misplace his trust.

But he trusts everyone. Forgives all mistakes. But the person must be truly sorry. How can I figure out how to defeat Tom Riddle when I cannot even make sense of my thoughts? Everything conflicts something else. Nothing is truly untaintedly beautiful. No love, no life, no one.

I am not perfect. But I must not let the world know that. They believe in me so much. I don't know why. I do not emanate strength. I get tired, and weak, and scared. But no one sees it. Have I truly made a mask that no one sees through? If I can fool the world, can I fool myself? No I can't. I can't leave the world to die. I cannot walk away.

Will anyone remember me? Will I be someone other than the Boy-Who-Lived? Is after my death the only time the world will love me? I want to know what hope is. I don't remember any more. I don't fear death. I don't fear anything. All I am is numb, and cold, and confused. No one has answers. Why must I make my destiny?

I want to walk away, run away, go and never look back. But the world will find me. And if they don't my conscience will drag me back. I cannot escape my destiny or myself. If the world wants a hero then a hero it shall have.

I know how to defeat Voldemort. But with his death I also must go. I cannot stay misunderstood forever. I welcome the day that I can show the world who I am. Fight for my cause. Win my way.

But this isn't a game. Life isn't that easy. Life and death cannot be compared to winning and losing. Will I be forgotten? Will my legacy live on? Or will I someday just be some dead guy only remembered on paper. Not appreciated. Not cared for. But a part of history that cannot be forgotten.

Someday the world will move on, forget, and repeat its mistakes. That is life that is stupidity that is the narrowness of people's minds. But I suppose there will always be a Hermione. So well read, so clever, but without an army to save the world.

And a Ron. There will always be Ron's. Proud, brave, jealous, but always willing to die for their cause. I suppose there will never be another Ron as great as my dear friend.

And of course the world will always have its Draco's. Blindly following others lies. Fighting for the losing side no matter what they do. Poor misguided people who will one day sell their souls to the Devil.

There will always be Snape's with their sour look on life. Hating everyone. Never forgiving anything. And holding onto grudges as though their life depends on it. Bullying others just so no one will bully them. A sad way to live but many will choose such a path.

Then there's the Dumbledore's. So full of knowledge that they become almost inhuman. They seem so unbreakable, and so strong. Yet they are human like the rest of us. They give us hope, and carry us when we need it. Love us so much that they'll do anything to protect us.

He strangled a sob. He forgave Dumbledore. He loved him far too much to hate him. He was blinded by love. One of the worlds biggest fools. He loved and that had been his only crime. One that he himself was more than glad to forgive.

I will do it. All the deaths will not have been in vain. I am alive for a reason. And I shall find out why. I shall be human, but I shall do the unthinkable. I shall defy the odds. Bring hope to those who have none. Forgive those who's only crime is never being loved.

I shall break down every wall. I shall comfort the injured. Reassure the doubtful. Let go of my past. Take off my mask. And pull down the wall within. For I built it to keep others out. I must let go. I must feel everything. I will cry. I will be nieve, and foolish. But I shall love. Because love is all I need.

I will forgive myself. But first I must write my legacy. Because if I die I want to be known. I want to live forever through my words. Let my actions be remembered. As brave, and foolhardy. Perhaps one day the world will forgive fools. For we are guilty of too much love, too much faith, and our strong belief in forever. That is all.

To the world I leave this. Not my will, but my legacy. Contained on one piece of paper. Written underneath one beautiful sky, somewhere in the world. On a day, in a year that doesn't really matter. For I am nothing but one life to touch the lives of others. I am Harry Potter, just someone who's trying to save the world, and leave a bit of himself behind.

Author's Note: If you want I shall write Harry's legacy. Let me know what you think of this. I stole a bit of the end from my other fic Legacy. If you get the chance read that. I think it's a bit better than this actually. I'd ask you to review but many of you won't. If this touched you or stirred anything inside you please let me know. Thanks.


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